‘DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2’ – We Infiltrate Nintendo And Sneak A Peek At Its 2024 Calendar

In the journal enterprise, the Back Page is the place you’d discover all of the bizarre goofs that we could not slot in wherever else. Some might name it “filler”; we favor “a complete web page to make horrible jokes which are tangentially associated to the content material of the magazine”. We haven’t got pages on the web, however we nonetheless love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular function, Back Page.

Today, Jim sneaks into Nintendo HQ and spills the contents of a file marked ‘PLAN B’…

I haven’t got a lot time so I’ll maintain this fast.

Thanks to the diligent work of my uncle, I used to be in a position to sneak my approach into the Nintendo’s secret vault situated in an undisclosed London location.

As I moved by way of the shadows previous rooms stocked with pre-boxed copies of Zelda remasters and a door that merely learn “MOTHER 3 (WEST) — DO NOT OPEN”, I stumbled upon a desk, suffering from information and varied Nintendo paraphernalia that instantly caught my eye.

Poking by way of a stack of Geno amiibo, I observed a black folder with “PLAN B” written on the highest. My curiosity acquired the higher of me, and, sweeping apart the plastic collectible figurines, I lifted the Wii U GamePad paperweight which was holding all the pieces so as and took a look on the contents.

What I learn shocked me to my very core. These have been the plans for the approaching 12 months, a 12 months with out the ‘Switch 2’. Thumbing the pages, I noticed swathes of re-releases and remasters, all fine-tuned of their scheduling to maintain the Nintendo fanboys onside because the Switch marches by way of its eighth 12 months in the marketplace.

Suddenly, footsteps. I grabbed my telephone and snapped up some footage of essentially the most surprising pages whereas committing the remaining to reminiscence. I shut the folder and rapidly leapt into a close-by cupboard stuffed with unreleased LABO packs and Wiimote equipment. The guard — a big American man with the construct of Reggie Fils-Aimé (although I didn’t see his face) — handed by way of the room and I used to be in a position to escape.

I’m certain that I’ve mere minutes earlier than lethal ninjas observe me down. But this info needs to be seen. Please take what I’ve to indicate you as absolute truth.

This is what I can bear in mind (and what I used to be quick sufficient to {photograph}) from Nintendo’s console-less 2024 plans.

“PLAN B” – Nintendo Secret Plans 2024

The opening web page was boring and unassuming. It laid out precisely what the doc was going to be about. A transparent message of “DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2 UNTIL 2025” instantly caught my eye and I could not assist however discover that someone had doodled within the backside nook. Is {that a} PS5 on hearth? Did Miyamoto draw that? The questions would solely proceed from right here…

There was no faffing about from right here on in. You would possibly suppose that an vital doc similar to this could have somewhat extra filler to cover the juicy bits, however I can inform you that’s mistaken. This is a actual file and clearly whoever made it didn’t have the time or artistic energy to pad it out with pointless corporatespeak.

And so we hit the plans for the February 2024 Direct:

Crazy, proper? Yes, the discharge dates are fairly unsurprising and, in fact, one other Kirby remaster is on the best way, however who would have thought that the hotly-anticipated Zelda double-pack could be Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks??

Speaking of actual gob-smackers, I assumed that it could be price grabbing a snap of the web page titled “Da Movies” (I can solely assume in a reference to that one Vin Diesel video). We knew that Nintendo was seeking to department out and turn out to be a multi-armed leisure firm, however that is subsequent degree:

A discarded post-it notice carelessly tossed apart appeared to recommend that Nintendo is in search of extra Doug Bowser-style name-to-brand synergy in its executives over the approaching months. Vanessa Kirby, Ridley Scott, Zelda Williams, and Gino D’Acampo (pending spelling change) have been all given as potential choices.

The June Direct web page left me with much more questions: When will the remasters finish? Who would depart such an vital doc on the desk? Is that the Aerial font? But Reggie the guard’s footsteps have been getting louder and I knew that the contents needed to be seen to be believed.

I had an inkling that a number of the remasters this 12 months have been going to lean somewhat obscure, however bringing again the Super Scope Battle Clash sequel, Metal Combat: Falcon’s Revenge? That feels somewhat like scraping the underside of the barrel. Hey, if Nintendo can actually nail the Switch movement controls, then we’d simply be onto one thing there.

Being tight for time, I skipped previous taking images of the subsequent few pages. One was all a few cellular app named ‘Pikmin Bloomier‘ and had quite a bit of red-penned notes subsequent to its contents. Another detailed a protracted e mail chain during which Masahiro Sakurai repeatedly requested for a Kid Icarus: Uprising Switch port however would not clarify how he had “revolutionised the management scheme” when requested.

And so we hit the final web page that I used to be in a position to {photograph} till I needed to flee: plans for the ultimate Direct of the 12 months. Honestly, it appears like we’ll be going out with a little bit of a whimper, although the emphasised “DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2” hammers dwelling the truth that 2025 would possibly be completely different.

I hope that the above info has been helpful. It was a harmful mission, however this deserves to be seen.

Luckily, I appear to have escaped unhurt. Yes, the yellow van with ‘Super Mario Bros. Plumbing’ written on the facet has been parked out the entrance of my home for just a few days now, however I’m certain that is nothing to fret about.